when i'm older

a message from the past

a little boy, nowhere to run
scared, excited, nervous.
whose door should i knock on?
maybe the one that leads to the future...

or should i?

so many emotions,
no conclusions.
age still in the single digits.
maybe when i'm older.

two candles flicker on a cake.
"make your wish."

i wish to have answers
to all of my questions.

but questions multiplied.
answers faded.
why the hell am i a mess?
that's okay.
surely i'll know,
when i'm older.

i stand in front of the mirror,
razor in hand,
shaving a beard
i didn't notice grew.
still feel ten years old inside.
but my hands shake less now
sometimes.

people say i'm grown.
but i still whisper questions
into dark rooms
hoping the silence answers.
i still wait for
the version of me
i dreamed of at eight.

maybe when i'm older
i'll stop chasing doors.
maybe i'll build my own.
maybe i'll open one
and find myself

finally home.